A Heart for Love?
Minster walked down the street after visiting his girlfriend, Barbara, who was one of four girlfriends Minster had around town. They too had other boyfriends, but he did not know that. He walked with a deliberate strut, smiling at almost everything he passed by. His chin pointed to the blue and sunny sky. He was a man with proud, but pudgy stature, a big block head, and was very smart. But he put every particle of brain energy into only one thing—getting dates. He finally realized after a short time that having money to buy women everything they wanted was one thing, but owning the store that provided it all to them would be the ultimate spiders web—errr—method, of meeting new women on a daily basis. He had no shame in owning a lady’s boutique shop; a light purple building with pink trim, rose bushes in the front and a small miniature poodle that he dressed in different outfits daily. Its name, of course, was Precious.
“Heeyy Minster,” a group of women called out to him and giggled.
“Hello ladies! Come by the shop later to see the new line of purses and wallets we just got in. Half off, just for you!” he replied and winked.
He walked to the bus stop and waited with a smudgy grin on his face. The bus came speeding in and then screeched to a stop at the pickup. On the side was plastered a big advertisement of a visibly greasy man with a cheeky smile. Minster suddenly frowned. It was Calwin Boalds, the new candidate running for mayor.
“Oh! If Calwin wins, we will all be left digging to the center of the earth, looking for the secret passages of the mole people! And in so doing the planet will spin out of its rotation, and we will float away from the sun and out of our solar system. Then, once we are floating through space without any idea where we are, we will all have to come together to build a giant rudder and sails for the planet, and we will become pirates of the universe! And while it will be adventurous at first, it will become a miserable and dark life to live, wandering the black universe, forever in search of other planets to plunder booty. All this, if Boalds gets elected!” Minster declared aloud.
Now, while the things Minster said made no sense at all, it was a curse none the less. Because, quite frankly, everything foul that could be said, had already been said so many times before, that the words had no more effect and had fallen out of relevancy altogether. People had become so used to hearing and using foul and profane words in their everyday lives, that when they really meant it, the words were useless and had null effect. So, people were left saying the most random, unusual things since the dawn of language itself, just to curse the people they despised the most. In this case for Minster, it was…Calwin Boalds. He was a famous, wealthy, local leader of actors and political activists who did almost nothing for the people they represented, but looked damn good and sincere doing it. One thing was for sure, they were good at helping themselves. It was a mystery as to who actually supported Calwin, because if someone were to express anything but their deep disapproval of Boalds in the public sphere, they would be hung by their feet and beaten until limp by the townspeople. Seriously. It was an ordinance set by the current mayor; to beat and ridicule any man or woman who supported the other side. Which could be why so many townspeople went to great exertion to express aloud their frank disapproval of Boalds. Sometimes passersby’s would stop to listen whenever this happened, and smile in approval. Still, the race was a close one. So it was believed not everyone was being genuine. The current mayor, Fitzgerald Sunker, was Minster’s cousin.
Minster nevertheless hopped onto the bus and casually found an open seat. He preferred to ride the bus because it offered him more opportunities to tell attractive women about his boutique shop. Also, it had become dangerous NOT to ride the bus. He gazed out of the window while the bus sped through the city, swerving and weaving around other cars, even driving them off the road until they crashed into light posts and trashcans. Mayor Sunker made public transportation such a priority in his campaign that he gave all the bus drivers a license to kill. Even policeman had to swerve out of the way of a speeding bus. And when the problem of deadly car crashes and city-wide destruction arose, he solved it by creating a new department in the city; fast-action response crews. They were a team of paramedics, clean-up crews, tow-trucks, and dieners. It created hundreds of new jobs and boosted the mayor’s popularity.
On this particular day, Minster saw something that made his heartbeat like thunder! It was like nothing he’d ever seen before. It was—a woman! He spotted her just as she was leaping for her life from almost being ran over by the very bus he was riding on! Oh, what luck! Minster jumped out of his seat and pressed his face to the window to get a better look at her, but after stopping for 2 seconds to pick up new passengers, the bus sped away, veering back onto the road from off the sidewalk, honking at terrified pedestrians.
“STOP THE BUS!!!” Minster yelled. The bus driver slammed on the brakes and Minster was flung and flattened on the front windshield. He threw his change at the bus driver and quickly stumbled off the bus, looking in the direction where he last saw the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen before in his life. There she was, brushing herself off, far in the distance. He immediately began to walk towards her, and imagined what he would say to her.
“Hey there. You look like a girl who appreciates a brand new purse!” It always worked. And if she didn’t want a purse, he had a long of other things. “Shoes? Perfume? Small dogs? Lingerie? Adopted children? Concert tickets? VIP nightclub passes? 10,000 internet followers? Birth control? Jewelry? Accessories? A kitty? Tacky tattoos? A new car? A new cellphone? Hairbrush? Dresses? Yoga pants? Fuzzy Boots? Booty shorts? Fake nails? Thong bikinis? Onesies? Nipple stickers? Body paint? Hair dye? Slightly less attractive friends? A stalker? Big sunglasses?...” The list generally goes on and on, and Minster was always willing to go down the entire thing when needed.
But something was different this time. He saw something in this woman, even felt something as he got closer to her. So much so that Minster started to gasp for air. He collapsed on the sidewalk, reaching for the heavens as a streak of light from the sun came down and blinded his face. He was having an anxiety attack, but thought it was a heart attack! He blacked out, and before he knew it woke up in the hospital. Confused but still proud, he immediately checked himself out and fought anyone who tried to stop him. He went to his store and hid away in the back room, wondering how he could succumb to such a thing. Meanwhile, his cousin the mayor paid a visit.
“Minster! Oh my goodness, Minster! I need help. How, you ask? Oh well, with a small contribution to my campaign. Just a small one… another small one. What do you think about, $10,000? Too much? Okay, okay, $9000? And in return, you can have anything you want, Minster! I will make you a part of my cabinet. I will change policy for you! How does deputy mayor sound? Do you want your own holiday? I can do that for you. I’ll get you an office next to mine. You don’t even have to do anything! We’ll be office buddies, it’ll be great! I can even get you a date with Honna Bluffing, the lead in the new city play! She’s real sexy, Minster, just your type. She came all the way from out of state, too! She’s got looks, somewhat intelligent, and she’s a real sweetheart, I hear. You can have her, Minster, just help me beat that damn Calwin Boalds! For if he wins, the people will be left smearing themselves with honey and running through bee fields, taunting bears and shaking their butts like maniacs atop rocks only three feet off the ground! I want those rocks to be four feet. Four feet, at least! The people deserve it, Minster!”
Minster and his cousin were sitting in the back room of his lady’s boutique shop. He could only think of the woman he saw earlier on the street. His cousin the mayor was pacing in front of him, expressing his worry. His forehead was sweaty, and his red tie was loosened from around his neck. He too had a big block head, was pudgy, and had a thin mustache. Minster stood up, and thought aloud.
“When am I ever going to see her again?” He said to himself, staring off.
Fitzgerald stopped and watched Minster go into a daze. The lights dimmed and a single light shined on Minster’s face. He began to sing deeply. “My dear, mysterious girl, will I ever meet you in my life? I have wanted you since the start. I will change my liiiiiife for yooooou.”
“Minster! Are you sure you should not still be in the hospital?” Fitzgerald asked. Minster looked at him, and the lights went back on.
“Okay, Cousin, I will donate $10,000 for your campaign. But there is nothing that you can offer me, unless it is the woman I saw earlier today, on the bus.”
“What woman?” Fitzgerald asked.
“The woman from earlier,” Minster replied.
“You saw her on the bus?” Fitzgerald asked.
“Yes, on the bus.” Minster replied.
“So why didn’t you talk to her, man?”
“Because she was on the street.”
“But I thought you said she was on the bus!”
“No! I was on the bus. She was on the street, jumping away from the bus.”
Fitzgerald looked down and shook his head.
“Oh, cousin, you will likely never see her again. But it is okay, because I will talk to Honna Bluffing and tell her about your shop. And maybe you can give her a nice new purse or something. She will make you forget all about this other, mysterious girl, who is most definitely gone from your life, forever and ever. There is no chance you will see her again, do you hear me? None. So just forget about her, okay?” The two men walked out toward the front door, and Fitzgerald stopped in the doorway.
“And cousin, I will need the money by this evening. You can come to the play with me tonight, and we will both see Honna Bluffing perform on stage! And that’s when you can give me the money.”
Minster shrugged and agreed. Once Fitzgerald left, he went to the back to open his safe. While he was leaning down he heard the bell from the shop door ring. He quickly turned around to greet the woman who just walked in.
“Hel-” but before he could finish, he saw her! The same face of the beautiful girl from earlier that day. His heart beat so rapidly inside of him. His face contorted and his eyes bulged out of his head. He beat his hand to his chest as his legs became wobbly. Minster collapsed on the ground behind the register.
He woke up in Barbara’s bedroom. Unsure of why.
“Minster. Word on the street is you’ve been passing out all over the city! What is wrong with you?” Barbara said, as she was putting on her make-up.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I’m dying.” Minster replied. Barbara got up from her make-up table and went across the room to put on her shoes.
“Where are you going?” Minster asked, still confused.
“You know I’m hosting at the restaurant tonight. And then afterwards I have my second shift at the clinic. And then after that my third job at the morgue. And then after that… well I have class in the morning! And then after that I’m volunteering at the Business-For-Independent-Women convention, and then I’m having dinner with my boss—I mean another work meeting. And I’ve got a social to attend tomorrow night, so I won’t be able to see you for a week, Minster. I hope you don’t have any more…incidents.” Barbara looked at Minster in such a peculiar way at that last word.
Minster didn’t know to say or think.
“How did I get here?” He asked.
“A woman at your shop called the hospital when she saw you passed out. But they said they were tired of seeing your confused face, so they called the last number on your cell phone and I picked you up. But you’ve got to go back to your own home soon, Minster. While I’m working and at school I’m renting my room out to some foreign backpackers for a couple days.”
Minster left Barbara’s apartment and walked home through the night. A bus came barreling down the road, honking at nothing and barely staying upright. Calwin Boalds’ face was smiling the whole way down on the side of the bus. Suddenly he remembered he had to get his cousin the money! He patted his pants, as if expecting to find a big wad of cash in them. He’d have to explain to his cousin what happened. He started running down the street, toward the theatre. Eventually he made it to the stairs, sweaty and out of breath. The man at the front demanded a ticket!
“Sir… I am here… with my cousin… the Mayor for crying out loud! Fitzgerald Sunker.” Minster said between his heavy breathing.
“Oh. Then you must be Minster. Good evening sir. Mayor Sunker left a ticket for you. Come right in, I’ll take you to your seat.” The door man said.
The play was already halfway through when Minster was seated by his cousin.
“You’re just in time, Honna is almost up,” Fitzgerald said lowly. “Oh, and the enemy is sitting two seats next to us.” Minster looked over and saw Calwin, who noticed him and waved. Both Minster and Fitzgerald waved back wearing phony smiles. “If he wins, we will all have to shave our heads and glue our hair onto our butts, and rub them for 20 minutes in the jungle before hurling ourselves into leach infested mud-ponds!” Fitzgerald whispered through his smile.
Suddenly the stage went black, and the theatre got quiet. The sounds of a girl walking across the stage filled the entire theatre. She stopped, and the spotlight turned on, revealing Honna Bluffing. Minster couldn’t believe his eyes! It was the fair goddess herself, the one who was the cause of his sick heart, and of him passing out twice! In one single day! Minster tried to control his breathing, but his heart rate was fluttering once again. He couldn’t keep himself from panicking. His chest hurt. Then she began to sing.
“I’m just a girl. Won’t you be nice? But don’t be too niiiiiice, or I’ll think twice. If you’re such a man, are you so strong? But if you’re too strooooong, everything will go wrong. I want you to be handsome, but not prettier than I. Or else I’ll show all the boys just a little bit more thigh. I want you to be smart, but not a smart ass! You’ll only turn me off if you ever take me to class! Oh, I just want to meet a good man. One who’s honest, sweet, rich, and in demand! Because truth is, honey, I know my worth. If you can’t give me what I need there’ll always be some other jerk. And I generraallly can’t help but contradict everyyything I’ve ever said. It’s not my fault, darrrrling, it’ll be yours, instead. And if you ever want to take me on a date or to bed, you won’t reject my issues, baby, you’ll swallow them insteaaaaaaaaad!”
After her performance the crowd went crazy. Minster felt himself glued to his seat, unable to breathe and suffering from an intense rush of pain and pleasure all at once. After the show, Minster had his chance to meet Ms. Honna Bluffing, the most eligible bachelorette in the whole town, and the only girl Minster had ever loved, even though he had never spoken a single word to her. Fitzgerald and Minster went backstage after the show. They went to Honna’s dressing room.
“Ms. Honna Bluffing, the pearl of the night sky! What a spectacular singer you are! I felt my soul soothed with every word, every syllable. You truly are an angel. The sun itself does not shine as bright as your radiance! When I am reelected I shall make a holiday in your honor. The Honna Bluffing Day, and we will all stand in line and wait to kiss your feet, and adore you with gifts.” Fitzgerald said.
Honna nodded her head in agreement. When it was time for Minster to introduce himself, he just couldn’t. His mouth opened, but it was too dry to say anything. Oxygen was not getting to his big head at the rate it should have been. He was growing dizzy, and before he knew it, he passed out right before her! Minster woke up in his own bed. His cousin The Mayor was sitting in the room, doing an interview with a reporter while he was waiting. He told the reporter to take a break.
“Minster, you really know how to make an impression. But I think Honna really liked you! Too bad she’s a rotten, no brain having, puddle of swamp water…broken lightbulb… blown speaker… …cankerous…smudge on the glass…worthless Calwin supporter!!” Fitzgerald said while shaking.
Minster looked up curiously at his cousin.
“You mean to tell me, she doesn’t know if that piss in the wind, walk into a fart, wet sock, hammer to the thumb, rotten tomato for a brain, gets elected, then we will all be forced to eat grub-flavored pudding made by baboons wearing bow ties, who will pluck out our armpit hairs, all while we sing old pop songs and clap our feet together?” Minster asked.
Fitzgerald nodded his head, admitting that what Minster said was indeed correct.
“It is true, cousin. After the paramedics retrieved you, we all walked out through the front door, you on a stretcher, and me next to you looking so sad. That’s when I saw her, standing with Calwin and taking photos with him, giving her formal endorsement of him. And everybody cheered! Oh, the humanity.”
There was a severe pause in Minsters as he processed and considered all he had heard. Then, after several seconds, he came back to reality.
“Well, I’m glad I’m over that then!” Minster said, a little unsettled at his poor judge of character, but appearing finally recovered from his heartsickness. He got up from his bed, retrieved $10,000 from his personal safe to give to Fitzgerald, bid his cousin farewell, and was soon merrily on his way to meet with his second favorite girlfriend— Calwin Boald’s wife.